Bart the Knight
by expertwinSH
Summary: A adventure story with a twist. ;) (Note: a future-fanfic, in the pre-teen years)
1. Chapter 1

Bart Simpson came into a small English town riding a stallion horse, ordering him to gallop in a most expedient manner. He was headed for the small hamlet called Eldritch Heath. It was a chilly, pitch-dark dusk; almost too dark to see anything without a good candle or lantern. The rain poured almost like lead; and the puddles may has well have been quicksand puddles with how disgustingly viscous and sticky they were. The ground was ornamented by all sorts of bones; not just skulls but arm bones, leg bones, and joints. The bones were decorated with red blood, as well. The cottages were scattered about and were some of the dilapidated homes one would have ever seen; the foundations had been warped and they all seemed to be infested with termites and rats. The grass seems to have seen better days, it looks as though it may have yellowed decades ago. The air was filled with a noxious, yet indeterminate, odor. It was most comparable to Satan's dog's crap if he was fed Limburger cheese and had diarrhea. And this was just the small town. He could only imagine how bad Eldritch Heath was.

Anyone who dared to enter the hamlet could be greet with a palpable sense of anxiety and intimidation. This feeling was unlike any other feeling anyone would experience in their lifetime; it would all but scar one for life. Those who knew of the shell-shock, mostly loved ones of those who entered the hamlet, could only ponder what would be in store for those sufferers. As a result, few people bothered to enter the hamlet; moreover, almost everyone who did was quickly chased away by this indescribable experience, or soon killed by whatever monsters they had to face.

Bart, now a pre-teen, was not muscular and he had a dork-like quality, though he did not really evoke that of a complete loser. His appearance wasn't too different from that from when we was ten years old. His visage resembled a yellow paper bag—it was impossible to discern it either as hair or as a mere extension of his head—but he otherwise bore normal features: ping-pong ball eyes, a nose that looks like a yellow gumdrop, and an overbite. His skull may very well have been shaped like a paper bag just like his head.

He was a knight in shining armor trying to save his princess from a dungeon tower. His princess, as it so happened, was one of the Mackleberry twins Sherri and Terri. At first glance, the twins exactly identical appearances and features: lavender hair which was now normal length, still relatively short statures, and noses which resembled pig snouts. The twins still wore hair bows, just as big and puffy as the ones they wore in fourth grade. They also wore braces; they were not the invisible braces that they got on the Power Plant's insurance plan, but rather plainly visible braces. With all the deformities and issues, they were not very comely; and they were most certainly not popular. (Bart's feelings for the twins were partly based on a very, very, minor crush; but mostly, it was plainly pity.) The only notable difference was that Terri was slightly pudgier than her sister; but even that's difficult to notice since Sherri deliberately wore clothing that is too big for her, out of respect for her sister's feelings. Bart wasn't sure which one was which (and you couldn't blame him; even Sherri and Terri themselves had trouble telling who was whom) and didn't know which one of the twins was the one he was about to rescue, but he hoping that one was Sherri. Whichever one it was, though, the prospect of proving his worth and winning the twin's heart (even though he felt little more than pity towards the twins) was sufficient to him to persevere though his quest and avoid folding to any scoundrels. His infatuation helped him to overcome any and all difficulties.

Bart knew he would be pit against many foes along the way; whether they be elves, orcs, dragons—you name it, and Bart would face it in his journey. Surprisingly, he wasn't really intimidated at all. He kept a brave personality even knowing what he was getting himself into in Eldritch Heath. He was quite confident in himself to such and extent, that if he wasn't alone, he would annoy everyone around him. He walked to an elderly guide donning raggedly clothes which seemed to be stitched together from rags, and asked for directions.

"I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?"

"There is no need for profanity, Bart. Anyway, I am the one called Alfie Blythe."

"Alfie Blythe? Are you freaking kidding me? What kind of name is that?" Bart snickered.

"It's _my_ name, you great lummox!"

"Okay, whatever you say." Bart continued to laugh. "...'Alfie Bylthe'?"

Under his breath, Alfie said, "I _always_ get the comedians."

"Okay, well, thank you. I need directions to Eldritch Heath. I need to rescue a princess locked in the dungeon. Just like in the movie _Shrek_."

Alfie gasped. "You are merely a child! Are you aware of the unspeakable dangers that await you? I cannot let you go!"

"Yeah, right! How are you going to stop me?"

"You do need the map. How do you expect to go to Eldritch Heath without the map?"

"...Oh, yeah."

"And who is this princess, anyway?"

"Her name is Sherri... um, Terri... Well, either one. She's... unconventionally attractive, with her piggy nose and her braces and all. She has an... okay personality. She is... fun to be around?"

"Interesting."

"Well, yeah. I need to save her."

"Look, Bart, I just do not want you to get hurt. If you died and disobeyed me, then I would never be able to forgive myself."

"Get bent!"

Alfie finally sighed, "Fine. I'll give you the map, but only so you won't _accidentally_ wander into Eldritch Heath."

Bart crunched the map in to his hands, and walked off. Once he was sure that Alfie was gone, he sneered under his breath, "Sucker"! Alfie overheard, and yelled, "I heard that!" Bart couldn't care less, though. He had too much work to do. He did not carry anything other than his clothes, his armor, and a destructive slingshot. He decided that before he started onto Eldritch Heath, he needed to imbibe some grog to, as he would put it, "build strength." He also needed to ruminate on his plan on how he was going to rescue his princess... for all of about two seconds, anyway. Of course, he was simply going to charge into his enemies like a madman.

He finally made it to Eldritch Heath, and got off his horse. He started to be _slightly_ intimidated but he didn't feel too bad. He was filled with adrenaline, and wasn't so much afraid as he was pumped up; he was excited to do battle with all of the foes he would face. They were predominately all the disposable baddies that appeared in his favorite video games. Things like small fish creatures and swarms of things. Vanilla stuff that could Bart could easily wipe the floor with. For the most part, he hadn't seen anything that truly frightened him. The only creature that was any bother was a dragon with four heads, and even then he was more annoyed than perturbed.

"I am your worst nightmare!" yelled Bart.

Surprisingly, the dragon could talk. "Not really. I already saw _The Nutshack_."

Bart had to admit, "...Good point. But now it's time to die, dragon!"

"You wish!" yelled the dragon.

"Wish granted!

The monster took a large puff and blew fire at Bart. Bart spent most of the battle dodging these blasts. The key to winning the battle was finding the monster's "weak spot"; so many endgame bosses had a "weak spot" to focus on and the dragon was no exception. Bart then drew his slingshot at the belly, and Bart could feel the monster getting weaker. Bart finally found where the the "weak spot" was and was able to take charge of the battle and prove victorious. It was all but smooth sailing at this point. By the end of the battle, Bart was covered in scars and bruised. He wasn't about to give up, but he needed a rest. At this point, the energy and stamina he used in the dragon's skirmish was pretty much drained; and Bart didn't feel like fighting any monsters, running to the tower, or doing anything ever. However, he had to persevere. Firstly, he needed to save the piggy nose princess. Secondly, there was little point in giving up with how far he had come. He had to go on.

With all that in mind, Bart mentally and physically prepared as much as he could for the trek he would need to pace through to claim his... not so much "love." He told himself that he could make it, no matter how a arduous a journey it would be. He wishes he had brought his horse, though. He sprinted though the first ten miles, keeping his pace across the distance. Not too long, though, he almost wanted to vomit. Not only was he suffering an awful stomach cramp, but it was so tedious and dull seeing almost the exact same dead vegetation throughout the entire path. He couldn't keep it on, and eventually starting trudging through the path instead. After five more miles, even that turned out to be too much for him. He needed a moment of respite.

However, when Bart had let his guard down, he hears something. He hears speaking in some foreign language, but it didn't even sound like any language on Earth. It feels like a conversion some outer space aliens would have... but backwards. The one comprehensible thing he could make out was a rather audible cry, "Haw haw!" For once, Bart was truly terrified. This bizarre language outright gave him the urge to piss himself. Still not fully deterred, he took a look at the beast. He quickly wanted to die at that point, even if that meant leaving Sherri or Terri in the tower. The creature needed to face was a creature unlike anything had imagined before. The creature had no conceivable form, and nothing that could be related to anything on this earth or even this universe; it could not be humanly ideated.

However, he forced himself to get through this final battle. After all, could he just give up right now? He had no choice to brave the fight against this unspeakable abomination. He forced himself through the battle, and there was no clear "weak spot" to be found. How was he going to conquer this inconceivable behemoth? He made up his mind and just decided he wasn't going to even try. Rather than try and attack it, he would try to outfox it and steal the princess from under whatever is supposed to be its nose. He pondered a plan, and this time; he actually thought long and hard. He made his strategy and executed it. He manages to succeed by the skin of his teeth, and climbs the tower to kiss the princess. He puckers his lips and (rather reluctantly) goes for the kiss.

"So which one are you?"

"Terri."

As soon as he began to kiss though, something peculiar happened.

"Error: The game crashed: 3A34BF3."

"Oh, dear. We need to fix that as soon as possible," Martin Prince said. "No, that's a good thing. I almost kissed Terri!" Martin, and a group of several other nerds (and Bart) were trying to make their own video game. Terri wasn't thrilled to hear what Bart said, and Sherri complained to Bart to defend her vilified sister. "Bart, what do you have against Terri! She's sweet and adorable and the greatest sister in the whole world." Little did she or Terri know that their camaraderie would soon be tested. Sherri added, "This game looks so stupid and boring! You should make a two-player platform game like _Mario_. You could make us the stars!" Lisa Simpson, the brother of Bart, responded, "Look, I don't like this game either, but _this_ is what we decided. I don't even like video games in the first place!" Allison Taylor pitched in and said, "I think this game sounds _awesome_ "; to the shock of just about everyone. Who knew someone who won't shut up about anagrams would like a game like this? At that point, Martin and Database then noticed how late it was and adjourned the meeting.

Later, after everyone packed and left, Terri sulked in her and Sherri's room.


	2. Chapter 2

Terri lay in her and her sister's room, sobbing quietly and especially dolefully. She carried a extra large bag of Choc-Rox in hand, eating them straight from the bag; something she often did even when she was more jovial or even merely indifferent. She clenched tightly to her beloved stuffed bear Ms. Toungenbear, which was surprisingly kept well after all of these years aside from a few scratches and stuffing falling out. Terri whispered to herself, so quietly that even she herself could barely hear it, "Why can't the dorkface love me?" Sherri noticed how distressed her sister was. She said, "What's wrong, Terri? This is about Bart, isn't it? He's a blubber-faced, annoying jerk!" Terri, as typical in this kind of situation, failed to reply. Sherri cried, "Terri, you have to tell me!" Sherri coerced her sister to get her to speak and affectionately poked her sister in the stomach. This caused Terri to laugh a bit and it made her feel slightly better. Terri, woefully, said, "Bart is just a rude dorkface..."

Terri's problems (and Sherri's for that matter) weren't just with Bart, however. They were always among the least liked children in their school; but even more so now in middle school. With all their deformities, and the fact that just about everyone considers them irritating, they were considered ripe targets for picking on. Not only that, but they had it worse than even Lisa, one of the few people even _less_ popular than the twins. At least Lisa had the Superfriends. Not to mention, the main reason Lisa was failing to find companionship is that she just ignored any attempts other girls make to be friends with her. The twins _would_ take the offer to be friends with anyone who asked them, but they never got such opportunities. As a result, the twins hardly had anyone other than each other. Among kids their own age, the closest thing to friends, other than their occasional brief bursts of popularity and when they're playing on their jump rope, they have are Alex Whitney and Allison; and they are mostly nice out of pity. They do get along better with boys, with the exception of Nelson Muntz; they are still picked on (such as Bart's little display), but not nearly as much (again, except by Nelson). It also helps that the guys that are jerkypants jerks are at least upfront about it, compared to the wishy-washy girls (especially Janey Whateverherlastnameis). As Sherri would put it, "girls are backstabby and boys are frontstabby."

Sherri had just the thing to cheer her sister up. "Our mom's friend got us some burgers from White Castle! I know how much you love them!" Indeed, Terri was a huge fan of White Castle's Sliders. The problem was that since Krusty Burger had a monopoly over Springfield (Fat Tony and his henchmen were hired to keep other restaurants out of the town), the only White Castle anywhere near Springfield was three entire states away.. Sherri even gave up her burger for Terri. She liked White Castle and all, but she adored her sister much more. Not to mention, one particularly painful experience at Arby's left Sherri skeptical about fast-food in general; Arby's is in the top five in Sherri's list of enemies. Terri feeling bad about taking Sherri's share, initially rejected it.

"No, thanks; it's yours. You can have it."

"No, _you_ can have it, Terri!

"Well, okay. If you insist..." Terri gobbled up Sherri's Slider.

These sweet, sentimental scenes were commonplace between Sherri and Terri. As twin sisters, they were born together and they had to stick together. They adored one another, and even when the entire world turns on them, they'll always have each other. They do need to keep this in mind, especially when people seem to be betraying them left and right; anyone who seems even the least bit benevolent to them will simply stab their backs when given the chance. Basically, all they have is each other. They simply can't live separate. Once, they were threatened with being sent to different schools if Bart failed an important test. The thought of having to be separated to go to different schools caused them to shrivel up and almost die right then and there.

The twins were alarmed by how much middle school was different from elementary. The school itself was actually similar to Springfield; the main difference was that the hallways were painted with a light blue, and classrooms were aquamarine. However, the experience was what really contrasted. Rather than one single classroom and a teacher like the late Mrs. Krabappel, there were instead a few classrooms with different teachers. Students all did not necessarily go to the same class; students could sometimes only see a particular student at in one class, if at all. Fortunately, Sherri and Terri went to the same classes the entire day; this was thanks to mom's insistence. The twins also found, to their dismay, that they had to be there at 7:00 AM, which required waking up at 6:00.

The several teachers they had, in the descending order in which they liked them were as follows: Mrs. Jerri Mackleberry, their own mother and English teacher, who did not attempt to veil her favoritism for her daughters and often let them get away with stuff other students would get detention for, and the times they were in her class were often the only times they got to see each other since Jerri and the twins' father Garry were divorced (technically, she and her ex-husband have joint custody of the twins, but they were at dad's more often since he makes much more money than her); Mr. Taylor Russel, a social studies and geography teacher who was, while dull and dreary, rather easily hoodwinked by the twins; Ms. Derahnda Lovesister, the annoying stoner hippie and science teacher; Mr. Samuel Elk, the mathematics teacher who was frighteningly obsessed with his job; and last, and certainly least, Dr. Alan MacDermott, the stern and strict homeroom teacher, as well as the person holding in the children during detention, who was infallible to the twins' mischief, as well as one of the few people able to tell Sherri and Terri apart (the others being their mom, their dad, and some members of their extended family). Fortunately, due to his being the homeroom teacher, Sherri and Terri seldom had to face Dr. MacDermott. Still, whenever it was homeroom time, they invariably dreaded it. Dr. MacDermott was the sponsor of the Junior Nerd Club (formerly known as the "Junior Geek Squad" until the school was threatened with a lawsuit by the actual company Geek Squad); but he just lay in the teacher's lounge and let the members due whatever they pleased, fortunately for Sherri, Terri and all of the other members. The principal of the school was, just like in elementary school, Seymour Skinner.

The first class of the day was with Mr. Russel. The teacher was talking about the effects of the Great Recession of 2008. He rambled on and on, with a dull Ben Stein sort of voice. Terri decided to sneak a bag of Chippos, even though all food and drinks were contraband. A number of classmates begged her to let them have her Chippos. Nelson grabbed Terri and obstinately commanded her to hand over the Chippos and uttered, "Hey, piggynose! You better give me some of those Chippos or you're going to need to see a plastic surgeon...on second though, you probably need to see one anyway." Terri shouldn't have been moved by Nelson's threats, since they were coming from an ugly moron; but she was still shell-shocked from when the were the butt of a prank in the fourth grade where he suckered her and Sherri with a fake box of cookies that actually turned out to be a skunk. She sheepishly gave up her bag, and Nelson gobbled up some of the Chippos... just in time for Mr. Russel to catch him.

"Mr. Muntz. I see you're enjoying your Chippos."

"Wait, they aren't mine! Sherri—err... Terri gave them to me!" Sherri and Terri were quick to act as enchanting as possible, complete with angelic halos over their head.

"Very well, Mr. Muntz. I'm sure you would also enjoy three weeks detention"

Nelson hung his head down in defeat, while Sherri and Terri made a high-five as quietly as possible. They've still got it!

The next class was Mrs. Lovesister. The room smelled of smoke, and there was a bong on the teacher's desk. There were tie-die shirts and posters of old rock-and-roll groups on the wall. It was too difficult to discern what exactly the lesson of the day was, since Ms. Lovesister rambled on about "the new world" and "materialism is evil" or that kind of junk. The best guess Sherri could hazard was... probably something about erosion.

Sherri said, "Uh... Ms. Lovesister, what are we supposed to be doing?"

Ms. Lovesister then glowered at Sherri. "Oh, you want those people at the Board of Education to feed you lies! Well, you missie, I don't believe in education."

Terri responded, "Well, why did you become a teacher?!"

Ms. Lovesister, "...'Cause they're out to get us, little chicks! They think that all of us are some playthings and that they tempt us with these 'Master's degrees' and junk! I ain't down with that! Ain't down with it!"

The next class was with Mr. Elk. The room was filled with all kinds of mathematical equations. The day's lesson was slopes of lines. Mr. Elk seemed really into his job, using all kinds of gestures and inflections. He was dead set on making the students love math as much as he does; unfortunately, that wasn't happening anytime soon.

"So, as you can see. The formula for finding the slope of a line is rise over run. Like the hip-hop group Run D.M.C. Get it?"

One student flatly said, "Yes, we get it."

"Well, clearly you kids can't appreciate math _or_ **superb** wordplay. One of these days, I'll make sure every single on of you grows up to enjoy the wonderful realm of mathematics!"

Sherri snarled, "Ooooh, I'm so scared!"

Mr. Elk sighed. "Very well, then."

The final class of the day, and the one Sherri and Terri had been looking forward to, was with their mother. Jerri herself was elated too; she greeted her daughters with a bag of Chippos each. Of course, this act of favoritism was not met kindly by the other students.

"That's unfair, Mrs. Mackleberry! You're just doing that because they're your kids."

Jerri refused to respond, and instantly most of the students went into a riot. Sherri and Terri asked to leave the room for a little bit, and Jerri allowed them to leave until they felt it was safe to walk back in.

Another reason why they loved this class—or at least why Terri did—was that this was the only time of day that they were in the same room as Bart, aside from the Junior Nerd Club. Terri, despite how mean Bart had been, still harbored a maniacal infatuation toward Bart. She ogled at him with a lustrous look on her face. Sherri forced her away from Bart, not wanting her sister to bother with such a meanie-pants. Terri then promptly turned back towards back; but just then, the dismissal bell rang. It was time to spend another half-day back at dad's.


End file.
